The Faymuss Goat

I got some excellent mail recently, one with a long awaited goat. I wanted to share it to inspire you all to send me mail of similar caliber. The idea is sending things inside of things across the country. When I opened the envelope and saw James Joyce I was "hmmurr"-ed at first.

But once I dared to touch the Joycean capsule, it all made sense. It's layered, like an onion cake. When I asked the sender about sharing the letter, she said "yes, make my goat faymuss" and I thought "no, he's my goat now". I present to you the faymuss goat.

I did indeed tape the words of wisdom to my wall. Then again, I tape a lot of things to a lot of other things. Still, please send me more stuff like this. MOAR MAILS! MOAR GOATS! NEVER ENUFF MAIL GOATS! This reminds of Трое из Простоквашино for some reason. Maybe you should all call me Uncle Fyodor. Well, it's almost 7am. Toodles. Send goats.




On a related note, I learned that I rather enjoy being called a splendid creature:

Today was like whoa

It was like a self-contained life thing. I think I went through all the stages. All stages or grieving and all stages of not grieving. In a good way, I think. I also have been trying to give food to people for the past 3 hours and it's been oddly enjoyable, even while challenging. (enjoyable only when I actually get someone to take it and enjoy it).

New Name, New Design, Same Bitter Bullshit

FUCK! SHIT! FUCKSHIT, SHITFUCK. Also, may I point out that the ads on my page are about depression diagnosis and treatment? Good job, google. Too bad the ads themselves are extremely stupid. Anywhom...


Once upon a time, at Reed, I talked to the timeless Dell Rhodes about academia. She's been at it for decades, and as a master of the brain and all things academic (and one of the toughest professors I've ever had the pleasure of being destroyed and rebuilt by) Dell seemed like the right person to ask for advice. And she was, and is, for anything. Jiminy crickets, she's wonderful. Anyways, the story goes like this...

I described that I felt like I had an insecure attachment to academia (google it if you're not a psych person and care), and she laughed and said that was a good way to describe it, because she often felt the same way. This is irrelevant, but making Dell laugh was always the highlight of my day - and I still cherish every compliment she bestowed (this is why it's good to use compliments sparingly - they have more potency then... kind of like sperm?). I wondered how someone so accomplished, so committed and so generally fantastic was having the same issues that I was. But now, 6 years later I'm having the same issue. I missed academia when I was out of it, and now that I'm back in it I want to push it away and go back to work/unemployment/whatever. And I have a sweet gig. It doesn't get much better than running Howie's lab. I don't see how it possibly could as I have nearly complete control over everything, and Howie's undivided experimental attention to boot. But I guess that's what scares me? It's too much pressure? But there is no pressure, so what's the deal? Avoidant-ambivalent behavior, I guess? I wonder how many other people exhibit the insecure-attachment type behavior towards important and ever-present things in their life - like work and people.

____________________________________________
Maybe all I want is to live in a commune in Brooklyn.

The thing is, I don't just have an insecure attachment to academia. It's to everything. Today I saw over 200 undergrad RAs chant at the top of their lungs about being the best, about being a seawolf, about putting the "h" in "hot". And it irked me. It irked me so bad. A couple of other grad students and myself exchanged a few jokes and glances of the "ugh, school spirit, yeah.." variety. And to be fair I do think that whole thing is stupid. But still, I'm the asshole. It's pretty incredible (if real) that these kids can get excited about a fucking guy in a wolf costume ("Wolfie" is our mascot). If I'm really such a nihilist, then getting excited over nothing is the only kind of getting exicted that there is... (i.e., if nothing is important, then everything is equally worthwhile). No, I don't think what they did matters, but it's great that they enjoyed it, right? I don't know why I have to be a bitter hateful jerk about everything (I didn't behave in such a way, of course, everyone is way too fucking nice and friendly for me to be anything but at least mildly pleasant in return). They are the healthy ones. They can enjoy (unless they're faking, which is sort of what I'm constantly asking myself) what they do even when they do the most inane shit. I rarely enjoy anything I do as I do it. Later I look back longingly and think "that would have been fun". I push it away when it's available, and I miss it when it's gone. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It's like I designed a foolproof method to misery.
I mean.. I'm working on it. Mindfulness meditation helped for a bit. I was a different person in May. I was happy and I was happy to see other people happy. Now I see these ridiculously attractive, outgoing, capable, and fucking friendly (makes me feel like an asshole for hatin' on them) undergrads and I'm just like "this is wrong." It's not that I feel inadequate, either. At least I don't think so. I mean, in some way they remind me of high school because of how normal and well groomed they are (I haven't been around that since I started Reed), but they're really nice to me, so it's a pretty clear distinction between them and the assholes from back in the day when the last pieces of a positive self-image were meticulously annihilated.
And I don't really think it's jealousy here either. I don't want to be back in their place, because as they tell me all these things they're gonna do with their life I'm like "right, yeah, I'm glad I'm not at that naive stage anymore". That, and some of them are still visibly insecure/anxious (visible to me, not sure if other people pick up on it) and that just hurts to see (I kind of just want to hug them and say "you're beautiful, now get the fuck over it - low self-esteem is a turn off"). So I guess a part of it might be the standard insecure attachment thing - I'm forced to be around them, and I "rebel" by making myself miserable hating every minute of it. Soon enough I will miss their ridiculously sunny disposition. Ugh, it's so unreasonable how they're straight out of a GAP ad. Maybe I just can't take people being nice to me. It's suspicious.

My view on the following has completely changed with a lot of new information/interactions (actually this update was just interrupted by him for almost 2 hours while he was writing about someone lending a key to a guest (which you're not supposed to do) and being rude about:

Which reminds me of a SUPER nice 19 year old kid from ..Nigeria? Not a fake nice. He actually does all the super nice things you'd expect (and he's super nice about it). It's ridiculous. I like to be the nice one, but he makes me look like the filthiest douchebag you've had the displeasure of douching with. Maybe it's because he's still young and I get more jaded and cynical every year, but it's kind of unbelievable. And today when I asked him how he's always so happy and peaceful (and he thanked me repeatedly for noting that, because that's his goal in life and he just wants to always be appreciative, and happy and nice and whatever), he said it was all about God. I could see that answer coming, and in some way, I even appreciated that he said he would pray for me, because while I'm the cool nihilist who thinks that's all bullshit, he really meant it. He is so fucking thoughtful. And while I expect a lot of people to shed their religious shackles as they become adults, I no longer have any interest in hastening the process. He believes in God, he is happy, he is doing positive things - let's leave it at that. We don't need more people in nihilist limbo.


I don't really know what this was about either. I think I just needed to process. I don't want to feel bitter, but why do I hate all this stuff so much? Is it me? Is it them? Is it me in relation to them? And why does the word inane come to mind so often? Isn't everything inane?

I guess it had to happen sooner or later...

There's a first time for eveything(ish), and for this thing there will probably seconds and thirds. It makes sense that it happened soon after I started drinking alone. And you know, I liked it. Grocery shopping at 7-eleven isn't quite as classy as my preferred Trader Joe's, but at least I can get there on my own - without having to beg for a ride. It's also surprisingly fun. I think that as a result of so few healthy choices, you feel free to go wild - why not? You're fucking grocery shopping at a fucking 7-11, what possible standards could you have? It's quite liberating, really. I don't remember the last time I bought half&half. YUM. I also used their atm and now I have cash. I feel like a free man. The world is my stupid oyster.

Who do you think I am?!

So a long time ago, back when I wasn't a social butterfly/whore/whoretterfly/buttore (don't worry, I can make these jokes about myself because myself and I are really close, we're like family, it's cool, no hurt feelings), I was sitting in my college dorm trying to figure out why no one liked me. Well, not no one, as I felt that I had made some progress over the past semester. Now that I had a car, people would actually invite me places when they needed a ride. It was almost like I had friends. Or at least I was in close proximity to other friendships, and I hoped that it would rub off. Also, facebook had just come out recently, and some people added me as a friend and that was so fucking gratifying, it's ridiculous. I felt like maybe it meant that we were friends, or at least could be(I didn't add anyone because I didn't feel like I had friends - this was back in the day when you would browse within your network, and it was closed to a few select, and oh so elite, colleges). I know, sad. But funny, too.

AAANYYWHOOOOM, I was planning a survey to give to people to get feedback for the purposes of adjusting my behavior to be more likable (well, to be a better person, but the two were sort of equivalent in my mind as I thought people liked virtuosity or some shit like that). I don't really remember what happened with that. I'm pretty sure I never finished writing it up, because people dropped hints that it was really weird. Or maybe something else happened that distracted me from the eternal question "WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!". So last night while I was pondering wtf was/is wrong with me, and trying to find something to soothe my insomnia, I ran across an old episode of This American Life where some guy actually decided to interview his friends on tape to find out what they thought of him (http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/330/my-reputation). It wasn't flattering. Apparently even his Mom isn't fond of him. I liked this quote, because it basically sums up my worst case scenario in terms of friendship:

-"So why are you friends with me?"
-"I don't know, inertia?"

That's how I felt for a while. That no one actually spent time with me because they enjoyed doing so (which I'm sure happened on occasion - and sometimes I spend time with people in an obligatory way myself).

Ok, I'm tired and hungry so I'll get straight to the point. This guy found out everyone thought he was an asshole, but he suggested he doesn't really want to change. In some stupid way I almost admire that. I think it's stupid and selfish, but in an oddly admirable way. It's like "I'm an asshole and I'm okay with that", as if it's a valid identity. I, on the other hand, would be eager to change according to feedback. I think that's how the world should work, sort of.

So lay it on me. 1) Who do you think I am? (what do you think of me?) 2) What should I change? 3) What should I keep?
Be as honest as you can allow yourself, and feel free to be anonymous. That would probably work best.



P.S. Does anyone remember my "newsletter" called Vasiliy's Vacillations? And by anyone, I just mean 1 of you. And I know the answer is yes. =p

I'ma do it

I'ma be happy today. Even if I haven't slept all night. Even if it means sleeping all day.