Ugh, I hate uninspired writing. I wouldn't do this, but my internet wasn't working when I felt more strongly about what I'm about to say, so I had to wait... and I told myself I'd vent here. So here it is:
Staten Island is the fat kid of the boroughs. That isn't to say it is large, because being the fat kid (emphasis on “the”) is not about size, it's about standing out for being different. If boroughs had to go to middle or high school, I'd feel really sorry for S.I. Even the MTA, the butt of most NYC jokes, gets to poke fun at Staten Island, just look at the stops along the metro line (the ONLY line): Tompkinsville, Dongan Hills, New Dorp (really, there's more than one DORP?!), Great Kills (wtf Staten Island?), Huguenot (nah, this one is fine) and finally Tottenville. I like that it starts with a ville and ends with a ville, a real farm boy of a borough (with the obligatory dorping and great killing that farm boys are known for).
But this isn't about Staten Island. I'm just picking on it because I had to distract myself with the MTA Map so as not to think horrible things that I think when I'm not distracting myself (and it just so happens I left my book in a building where I am not welcome). The baleful (inside reference) thoughts I had were about life and friendship and both and neither. I'm tired of having to diversify my portfolio. I know it makes sense to do so when you're investing in the stock market – you don't want to put all of your money into the tech industry because potential great rewards come with great risks. If you put all your savings (say $1,000) in apple when I started college you would have 30 times that now (i.e., $30,000). Of course, if you put into a company that went bankrupt you'd lose all your savings – which is pretty terrible. So, logically, you should have put a part of your money in apple (or some other company that appealed to you), a part in Halliburton or Wal-Mart or McDonald's (or another evil corporation, and yes part of diversifying your portfolio is investing in evil companies – it's a category just like tech or food or finances), and a part in whatever other crap will make you feel secure. The problem with this metaphor, of course, is that with finances it is better to have some level of confidence that your investment will grow by 10% rather than go blindly into a double-or-nothing situation (hyperbole, I am aware). I do not believe, however, that the same can be said of friendship. I am profanely tired of investing (and I apologize if this offends anyone, it is not meant to do so, though I understand how it may be the most vile thing you've read) myself into numerous “friendships” in hopes that one or two of them will grow into something real. I almost used the word “worthwhile”, but I avoided it because I do not want to insult people that I spent time with – I do not want to imply that spending time with you is not worth my while (indeed, my “while” is pretty worthless so hanging out with you is at least as good as anything else I'm likely to do) – I want to be clear about that. What I am saying, I guess, is that I am thoroughly frustrated by my social investments going belly up, and in part I believe I'd be better off if I went socially bankrupt – lost all of my stock, filed chapter 7 or 11i (for imaginary) or whatever, was cleared of all my friendship debt and started fresh. Yet, I am too clever or too stupid/afraid to have that happen. I make sure to befriend new people every so often to keep me company when another shallow friendship inevitably burns out and I have an opening in my social calendar (by the way, that sounds more pretentious than intended – my social calendar is wide open – maybe 3-4 brief engagements a week). Might it not be better if I invest myself completely into one or two relationships? After all, investing all your money in one company does not raise the chances of that company succeeding (unless you're investing billions), but investing all of yourself into something actually increases chances of success. Then again, this is not elementary school and the “best friend forever” scenario I'm painting is coming up more grotesque than I intended...and, actually, quite insane sounding. AH, the ramblings of a mad man.
Perhaps, it's all about my insecurity (justified, mind you). Perhaps I am just tired of being Plan B. Of being second best (if I'm lucky). Of not being good enough. Perhaps I can no longer handle loving more than being loved. And oh I know how pathetic this sounds, it's one of the reasons it's been so long since I posted anything. But I yam what I yam, and writing it out is better than trying to fall asleep with stupid thoughts rushing blood through my temples. Perhaps I'm a fool for thinking that I am “diversifying my portfolio” when in fact I am looking for some real, not finding, but deciding that something is better than nothing and thus trying to piece together something significant from a dozen not-so-significant interactions. Alas, that is an impossible task. Perhaps something is not better than nothing. Perhaps the order of betterness is such: the real thing > nothing > something that isn't the real thing (but you try to pretend it may be?). Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
I am an immature child, am I not? I wouldn't even mind that so much, it's the not knowing that is so irksome.
