The bad mood cometh

I hope it's not a regular 2-3 week cycle, that would be especially depressing.

I was just thinking of saying this is my last post, but then realized that was a rather obvious cry for attention (and a pointless one at that since no one reads this).

But I will read it again.. won't I? This plagiarized text seems relevant:

You once told me “A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”

Still, please take better care of it, everyone has to read it in the future, and the bits you’ve spilt grape juice over are completely indecipherable. All we know about -that- New Years Party is from eyewitness accounts of the event and the first and last words of the entry “You’d never believe…” and “…that’s how I ended up on the highway, with a bedside lamp and a breadbox full of money.

On a related note, is there anyone in NYC who wants to give me a hug? Don't force me to take rush hour trains just to get some accidental physical contact.

It's be a long February

Which is odd, considering it's the shortest month and all. Maybe that's why. You think it will be short, but then bam it's still 28 days long. And if anyone has ever had to survive a zombie virus, you know 28 days later is not soon enough.

Meanwhile my love is unrequited. No, it was unrequited, now it's just nonexistent. I'm too old for unrequitedness.

In subtly modified words of Mariah and Busta:

Baby iff you give it to me, I'll give it to you. I know what you want / As long as you want.

Oh and for unfortunate souls that have not encountered "iff" before, it means if and only if.

While happy

While happy, I can dispense the talk

While happy, I can run the walk

While happy, I feel, indeed I hope that it will last

Alas, it never does, if one can judge by the past

...

But it comes back, this mood hasn't stopped visiting me

Sometimes the guest is daily, even when so brief

That, doubting senses, I think I had imagined it to be

Sometimes it lingers and foolishly I dream that it will stay

Of course it always leaves, but then comes back for tea.

Oh, muse, I'm sorry I have a shitty vocab and no sense of rhyme, but that makes me no less deserving of wasting your bandwidth. Happy VD. Don't forget to get tested.

CLI anti-Valentine's Day Poem CHE

I met her outside the MoMA

The line was long moving slowly

"Hey Sexy, I like your aroma"

No, no one said that, i made that up wholly

She did exist though

She was from Canberra

We did the small talk tango

I offered friendship....rejectera

Oh well, she is just a tourist

In New York only for a week

Though I'm not a hostel purist

Bed bugs aren't worth the mystique

Those 4 minutes were worthwhile

If decidedly inconsequential

Thanks for making me smile

Briefly I felt preferential

The turtle IS beautiful

< | Boring Part | >

Snow days, other than summer, are one of the best things about being a teacher. I was informed yesterday not to come in to work on Wednesday (today), and naturally I assumed they were finally fed up with me (and what better way to fire someone than over the phone?). Considering that I previously got an e-mail (CCed to other higher-ups) about checking my student's laps for food to make sure they weren't eating (fine, it was phrased a little differently but it did use words like "laps", "food", "eating" and "no exceptions for your group").

Anywhom, they informed me it was going to snow and I thanked them for the weather update. Now with this information in hand I decided to stay up all night and act a fool (watch tv, do some linear algebra, talk about the deep-rooted bitterness/hate/anger in my soul, finish the raspberry gin and so on).

The following afternoon I woke up at 4pM, and upon realizing it was about to get dark and I might miss the snow day I quickly got dressed, tossed some food in my mouth, [for some reason] took 10 minutes to do leftover dishes, and ran out to Ft. Tryon Park.

< / Boring Part >

< | Mildly Entertaining |>

Fort Tryon is stunning in any weather, but it becomes a magical winter wonderland (redundant?) during a blizzard. I have photographic evidence to support the previous statement, but imagine hills and bare trees covered in fresh powdery snow. Perfect for snowballs, snowmen, snow barricades and other major snow products. The lampposts are very reminiscent of Narnia, but better because Narnia only had one, and Ft. Tryon has multiple well-spaced lampposts that light up one by one as the sun escapes to the other hemisphere (oh no, i just had a horrifying thought - what if we are the OTHER hemisphere? No it couldn't be, it's too hard to think about).

Despite the approaching darkness, there is the laughter of children, cute little pawprints from doggy-boots (i guess dogs get cold too?), sledding races, snowball fights, snow angels, deep philosophical discussions under the home tree, and squirrels desperately seeking their recently hidden nuts. It would warm your heart if you had one (I was worried all this joy would spontaneously generate me a soul).

After taking some pictures, enjoying the snowy wind in my face and watching a 10-year old wipe out and knock over a big metal trash can, I felt that my outing was complete. It was already getting dark and I began to briskly walk back, past the Dominican[-American] mother disciplining her son for taking off his hat and other such nostalgic scenes. I was almost out when a woman asked me, "Красивая черепиха?", which in Russian means something vaguely like "Is the turtle beautiful?". Caught off guard, and confused about how she knew I spoke Russian (let alone what she meant),I replied in Russian "да, черепаха красивая" , which translates to "yes, the turtle is indeed beautiful." Apparently I startled her more than she startled me as she just sort of pointed towards a little plastic turtle shaped snow-form thing beheld by some kid just a few feet away from her. "Ah", I thought, and quickly ran off.

< / Mildly Entertaining >

I'm dreaming

I'm dreamin' in the mornin'
I'm dreamin' all through the night
And when I'm dreamin' I know that it's all right
Woo-hoo-hoah
I'm dreamin' in the evening
Dreamin' all through the day
And when I'm dreamin' I know that it's okay
Woo-hoo-hoah

Interactions with Strangers ( "Oh no, is Sarah right again?"

Part I

As I was listening to Russian 90s rock about drinking poison, a handsome stranger tapped me on the shoulder and asked me, with a strong accent, if this train would take him to times square. I said "yes, the stop is 42nd st" and put my headphones back on.

A few moments later he gestured for me to take out the headphones so he could continue to converse. I didn't mind (I was bored and also being in the position where you have the knowledge someone wants makes you feel powerful) so he continued to ask me, using his hands and figures to show the number, what's the best way to get to 54th .

I was hoping that maybe he spoke Russian, but he said "no English, Italia" which I took to mean he was from Italy and therefore spoke a different language. He asked me if I was going to 42nd, and I said yes, deciding to omit the fact that I am merely transferring there.

In any case, this long boring story continued to a few more surprisingly non-awkward interactions where we barely understood each other and concluded with me saying "good luck" and him shaking my hand in a peculiarly Italian manner (I assume) and saying "Ciao".

Part II

The whole occurrence made me feel like I met the quota for nice deeds and positive interactions in one brief subway ride. Then I proceeded to wonder why my interactions with foreigners were generally so much more pleasant... how odd that I would get along better with someone I couldn't understand very well. Why were so many of my friends at Reed "international students" while I was "international" only as a technicality?

This is when I realized that Sarah might not always be wrong. For those of you who are not the Sarah , yesterday she said that I just have unrealistic expectations of people and that as soon as I get to know someone well I almost always find flaws in them. How depressing.

It might be true, though. I have plenty of pleasant interactions with people I don't know very well. I have many "friends" with whom I've had less than 5 meaningful conversations. I also have some friends that pass the test (or more likely whose test I passed) and we share a significant amount of trust and respect for each other. However, the in-between friends are tough... you have to suffer through the misunderstandings and disagreements, all while trying to figure out if they like you or if you care whether they like you. Perhaps my friendships with foreigners, and many other acquaintances, are superficial ...but are they superfluous or quite the opposite?

Part III

So what? Well I have generally come to agree with the whole belief that positive attitude attracts positives. That, as Blair Waldorf (Queen B of trashy TV) said, vibrating at the right frequency will attract happy people and repel others. Or, basically the entire stupid contents of the stupid "the secret" movie. Except, of course, it's not mystical. People like to see other people have fun and enjoy themselves, it's just a fun thing to observe. At the risk of being redundant, it looks fun and it makes you feel like you will have fun. Basically wanting to be around happy people is a completely natural reaction for someone who wants to be happy. Just like someone who is hungry would go to a grocery store and someone who is horny would find the orgasm-dispensing destination of his or her choice. Similarly, if you want to be joyful be around people who are... leech off their fucking glee.

This explains why when I was feeling depressed I barely had any friends, and when I temporarily overcame it and became a hyper kid I usually could find someone to spend time with. That is sad though. Now that my mood has begun fluctuating again, I run the risk of alienating most of my friends (because I don't have any truly close friends in NYC, or at least that has been my assessment of the situation... I'd be surprised if someone here deeply cared). Not because I want to alienate them, just because I'm less willing to be entertaining. I don't want to be unpleasant, I just don't want to work towards creating an illusion. The alternative, of course, is to play the happy game and act in a way that would attract more people that are unlikely to ever became long-term friends. While quantity is not preferable to quality, it's something.

Then again... people that do care about me, did it not take years for us to get here? There were definitely points where both of us probably thought "wtf? not worth my time." Arghh, I shudder to think that Kathy Oleson (social psych prof) that our strong feelings towards people, like love, are almost direct results of proximity, such that the more time we spend together and the closer (physical distance-wise) we are (like sitting next to each other in class or elsewhere) the more likely we are to develop strong bonds. It's frustratingly superficial. I want some real fucking fulfillment.

P.S. Does anyone read this? Or was "Strange Dame: Part I" my one and only hit?

Does a person who does not love life deserve to be loved?

I guess I know how the smiths feel about this (then again, "need" and "deserve" are different things... or are they?)

Secondly, I was just in a class where we had to write about our name. To my surprise some people wrote elaborate stories and felt very happy and strangely proud of their name. How do you feel about your name? Do you identify strongly with it? Does a you by any other name...etc etc?

I really do want to know. E-mail, facebook or comments on the blog are all fine options.