Self-indulgent birthday post

(As opposed to self-indulgent every other day post)

I'm laughing because I think my uncle just told me I need to study less and sleep around more (or date or something, we spoke in euphemisms and it was slightly uncomfortable). It was kind of whoa. I like it, because it's different from the usual "oh, you're so responsible" or "you're such a hard worker" stuff I hear. I like hearing critique, and though this one was a bit unexpected, it's kind of nice to see it from a different point of view. Maybe he's right. It kind of reminds me of several years ago when my Mom told me I was boring. That should have been an urgent call to action, but instead I just reacted in an extraordinarily dull way ("Mom, why are you being mean?" or something of the sort).

If close elder relatives are telling you to get a life, maybe you need to get a life?

My theory of why

So admitting you have an account on okcupid, let alone that you've met someone on okcupid, is uncomfortable for many people. Some profiles, even, have a very "oh, I don't even know how I have this profile.. it just sort of happened, I'm totally not that type of person. Oh, my friend made me do it, yes, that's it. Not like I want love or sex or company or anything of the sort. Fuck that shit. I'm a robot and don't need anything ever".

I guess it goes back to that pretense thing... it's like we all know we want love, affection, attention (of various kinds), but we don't like to admit it.

The example described here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-son3EJTrU , was of the whole "do you want to come up for coffee?" thing. Both know (supposedly) that it's more than just about coffee, but it's safer to use the euphimism. Then if the answer is "no", it's less painful (and easier to reframe as something else).

It's as if when you meet people at bars you're not there to socialize "oh, no, I just really really like drinking, talking to people is just an occasional bonus - but you seem interesting, let's explore this totally effortless agency-less dynamic further." Similarly when you meet people in other aspects of your life, it feels a lot less desperate - you were just going about your life and someone piqued your interest - it's like magic, you didn't have to make it happen. Except, of course, everything you've been doing up to that point is essentially an effort to be desirable and attract a mate (or mates). But you can pretend that isn't so. You've got your friends, you've got your job, you don't need anything else. Going on okcupid is pretty much saying "no, I also want something romantic, or physical, that I don't already have." It's exposing a certain vulnerability, and it can be difficult.

Of course, there are lot of sketchy characters there (but there are also a lot of sketchy characters at bars, at parties, on public transit...).

Oh crap, not sad-drunk-ness! Disconnected by a smile.

I just recently teased someone for being a sad drunk and how that totally defeats the point of drinking! Poo! Poo on a stick that already had poo on it from before!

I guess it's like this stupid balance and I got it wrong this time. A little bit of booze is good (it doesn't really do much except create a relaxed atmosphere), a moderate amount makes me pensive (which may be good under the right circumstances), and then lots and lots if fun and funner. I should have stuck with a little bit. Ugh, life, why you gotta be so hard?

I recently read through this blog again and found it to be somewhat entertaining, a bit enlightening (on my own "progress"), a bit rewarding and a good bit depressing in the "oh, shit, things haven't really changed".

WTF?! That Gotye song just came up on Pandora. It's like the world is conspiring against me. Or like I'm totally narcissistic and think everything is about me =p

"You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness" - no, Gotye, I hate you and your lyrics, even if they are stupidly catchy. Why not "cut me out"? It's all just tentative bullshit connections, right? Everyone is just somebody that you used to know, unless you never knew them or do currently know them.

I guess that's sort of what I'm still struggling with accepting. The past can inform the present, but not in some perfectly consistent way. It's still past. I don't want to negate the meaningful interactions I've had with other people before (hell, even with myself, occasionally) - but the trap that we (I) often fall into is that we (I) think it will always be this meaningful, right? And it can't be. It doesn't mean it wasn't real before, but the context/contingencies change. "This too shall pass". Right? In which case we have to just be able to let go, and I think I can - not easily - but I can. I get that all experiences are transient, but how do you emphasize some as special? Shouldn't you cling to something? Maybe I'm still way too much of a romantic - depressive cynical misanthropic romantic, but still...

Where was I going with this? To sleep, I think. But I guess I'll say one more thing - I have a post-it note on my door that says "I feel connected now. If I feel different later, that doesn't nullify this moment. Enjoy the moment." Yes, not the most eloquent I've been, but it's on a post-it note and I wrote it in the spur of the moment I was trying to enjoy, so you know, it conveys my point (at least to me). I actually don't have much to say about it, other than that it's actually been a pretty good reminder to myself - but I suppose it's not so relevant right now as I don't feel connected now. I feel completely disconnected, alien, foreign, unamerican and so on and so forth (and it's THE fourth, the fourth of July, damn my apatriotism!). Still, I suppose that post it reminds me that I shouldn't shit on every positive thing, particularly real feelings of connection, that I've experienced before just because it's hard to relate to them now. Stop being bitter. Good goal. I'll start tomorrow.