Ah, fuck, who am I kidding? I'll probably try faking again soon if I manage to get some sleep. I had such a nice evening until these stupid drunk bitches ruined it. No intentional sexism here, I am not using it as a gendered word. There were plenty of non-bitch females (and males) on the train, but these four were stupid bitches. Ugh, but they really seemed to open my eyes to the deception I have woven around myself. The whole thing was a pretty good metaphor for how I'm eternally fucked.
I liked to say "don't mistake my kindness for weakness", but my kindness was a fucking weakness. The kindest people I know are also the ones with the lowest self-worth. I really need to fucking get over it and stop trying to compensate by being extra kind. People clearly suck and don't deserve my efforts ....any more than I deserve being treated with respect, I s'pose.
Oh fuck.
This is the first time in months that I felt like I really needed therapy. Maybe it'll get me fixed. Maybe I just need to stop fucking expecting anything good from the world. Maybe those douchebags in finance (and the villain from last season of dexter) are right - if you want something, you take it. Don't expect someone to care or even notice. If a cow could eat you, it would. Of course if you are physically attractive or have other assets you're probably fine, because then people will compete for your attention.
Ugh, I'm so fucking tired of being used - but why was I happier earlier? I can't quite recall if it was because I felt validated or I just didn't care that the world sucked. Huh, I think it was the latter. That's kind of fucked up. I gave up on the world, it made me feel better to resign to the fact that it's just a shitty place, over the weeks I felt better still because I wasn't having all these unmet expectations, so I sort of grew "happy" to the point where I started enjoying life and consequently raising my expectations about it - only to be reminded that "oh yeah, it sucks, don't get your hopes up." Vicious fucking cycle.
