I am never satisfied. At least not for long. I can be happy that 5 (or was it 6?) of my students moved up to the next level, but why wasn't it 7 or 8? I might have been happy that I live in NYC, but why do I live in a neighborhood where I really must direct attention to my feet and the ground in order to leave my soles dogshit-less? How do all of these things not drive people crazy?
Am I just lacking in confidence? But why the fuck wouldn't I? Why the fuck don't you have self-esteem issues? You've really got nothing better to do than read my blog? I'm nobody. The guy who writes for the NY Times is probably a nobody also, so it's not like I'm suggesting reading the news or OP-ED is a better use of your time. I mean, really, your time is pretty useless. Perhaps not as useless as mine, but still probably in that range. The most impact an average person can have on others is probably by going batshit crazy and creating another news-worthy crime scene (and no, I don't suggest it, support it or condone it).
But how do you find meaning in life? Is it just by becoming self-centered, with emphasis on instant gratification? I guess that still occasionally works for me. I can still find joy in a scoop of ice cream, a brand new toy, or an entertaining tv episode/movie/"other video". But it feels empty afterwards... like it was just a distraction.
Are people not bothered by the futility because they accept it or deny it? I don't know that I can deny it, it just seems to be evident in everything I do. Nothing I do makes a substantial difference. As for accepting it? How am I supposed to accept that everything I love (and myself) will die... I realize this seems like a very teen, if not pre-teen, realization.. but I am not sure it was ever resolved.
I've been lying in bed for the past fucking 2 hours trying to fall asleep so I can wake up early in the morning and go to work so that I can teach someone some basic reading and math, and then come back home and wait until it's late so I can try to fall asleep so I can wake up early in the morning and go to work so that I can teach someone some basic reading and math. Seem repetitive? Your life is probably less empty, but is it any less repetitive? Besides, I am simplifying. On weekends I occasionally go out, either on dates with strangers (that goes without saying, I suppose, as why would someone who knew me date me?) or to bars/restaurants/"events" with friends. It fills the time, and I find it enjoyable... I almost feel happy. Then, towards the end, I realize the time is running out and soon I will feel incredibly alone and hollow again. I don't know why no one else feels that. You know, I felt less that way when I was stressed and overworked...I had no time to myself.... hmm...
I predict 3 readers and 0 comments.
You know how to get the reader! I am devising a longer response to this...I just need to get some work done today...
ReplyDeletewtf, don't feel negatively about yourself, you're the best person that there is!
ReplyDeleteAlso, you'd probably get more comments if you changed your settings so that one doesn't have to jump through so many damn hoops to make a comment!
Thanks, Christina.. I try. Apparently I've had readers from 8 states last month, with the average person staying for 24 seconds :-/ . For this month, my goal is 27 seconds.
ReplyDeleteRubies, I will get right on that. And thanks. When I come back, we'll have to have a super long therapy session where you make me not wish I was dead.
didn't help :-)
ReplyDelete