Oh crap, not sad-drunk-ness! Disconnected by a smile.

I just recently teased someone for being a sad drunk and how that totally defeats the point of drinking! Poo! Poo on a stick that already had poo on it from before!

I guess it's like this stupid balance and I got it wrong this time. A little bit of booze is good (it doesn't really do much except create a relaxed atmosphere), a moderate amount makes me pensive (which may be good under the right circumstances), and then lots and lots if fun and funner. I should have stuck with a little bit. Ugh, life, why you gotta be so hard?

I recently read through this blog again and found it to be somewhat entertaining, a bit enlightening (on my own "progress"), a bit rewarding and a good bit depressing in the "oh, shit, things haven't really changed".

WTF?! That Gotye song just came up on Pandora. It's like the world is conspiring against me. Or like I'm totally narcissistic and think everything is about me =p

"You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness" - no, Gotye, I hate you and your lyrics, even if they are stupidly catchy. Why not "cut me out"? It's all just tentative bullshit connections, right? Everyone is just somebody that you used to know, unless you never knew them or do currently know them.

I guess that's sort of what I'm still struggling with accepting. The past can inform the present, but not in some perfectly consistent way. It's still past. I don't want to negate the meaningful interactions I've had with other people before (hell, even with myself, occasionally) - but the trap that we (I) often fall into is that we (I) think it will always be this meaningful, right? And it can't be. It doesn't mean it wasn't real before, but the context/contingencies change. "This too shall pass". Right? In which case we have to just be able to let go, and I think I can - not easily - but I can. I get that all experiences are transient, but how do you emphasize some as special? Shouldn't you cling to something? Maybe I'm still way too much of a romantic - depressive cynical misanthropic romantic, but still...

Where was I going with this? To sleep, I think. But I guess I'll say one more thing - I have a post-it note on my door that says "I feel connected now. If I feel different later, that doesn't nullify this moment. Enjoy the moment." Yes, not the most eloquent I've been, but it's on a post-it note and I wrote it in the spur of the moment I was trying to enjoy, so you know, it conveys my point (at least to me). I actually don't have much to say about it, other than that it's actually been a pretty good reminder to myself - but I suppose it's not so relevant right now as I don't feel connected now. I feel completely disconnected, alien, foreign, unamerican and so on and so forth (and it's THE fourth, the fourth of July, damn my apatriotism!). Still, I suppose that post it reminds me that I shouldn't shit on every positive thing, particularly real feelings of connection, that I've experienced before just because it's hard to relate to them now. Stop being bitter. Good goal. I'll start tomorrow.