So a long time ago, back when I wasn't a social butterfly/whore/whoretterfly/buttore (don't worry, I can make these jokes about myself because myself and I are really close, we're like family, it's cool, no hurt feelings), I was sitting in my college dorm trying to figure out why no one liked me. Well, not no one, as I felt that I had made some progress over the past semester. Now that I had a car, people would actually invite me places when they needed a ride. It was almost like I had friends. Or at least I was in close proximity to other friendships, and I hoped that it would rub off. Also, facebook had just come out recently, and some people added me as a friend and that was so fucking gratifying, it's ridiculous. I felt like maybe it meant that we were friends, or at least could be(I didn't add anyone because I didn't feel like I had friends - this was back in the day when you would browse within your network, and it was closed to a few select, and oh so elite, colleges). I know, sad. But funny, too.
AAANYYWHOOOOM, I was planning a survey to give to people to get feedback for the purposes of adjusting my behavior to be more likable (well, to be a better person, but the two were sort of equivalent in my mind as I thought people liked virtuosity or some shit like that). I don't really remember what happened with that. I'm pretty sure I never finished writing it up, because people dropped hints that it was really weird. Or maybe something else happened that distracted me from the eternal question "WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!".
So last night while I was pondering wtf was/is wrong with me, and trying to find something to soothe my insomnia, I ran across an old episode of This American Life where some guy actually decided to interview his friends on tape to find out what they thought of him (http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/330/my-reputation). It wasn't flattering. Apparently even his Mom isn't fond of him. I liked this quote, because it basically sums up my worst case scenario in terms of friendship:
-"So why are you friends with me?"
-"I don't know, inertia?"
That's how I felt for a while. That no one actually spent time with me because they enjoyed doing so (which I'm sure happened on occasion - and sometimes I spend time with people in an obligatory way myself).
Ok, I'm tired and hungry so I'll get straight to the point. This guy found out everyone thought he was an asshole, but he suggested he doesn't really want to change. In some stupid way I almost admire that. I think it's stupid and selfish, but in an oddly admirable way. It's like "I'm an asshole and I'm okay with that", as if it's a valid identity. I, on the other hand, would be eager to change according to feedback. I think that's how the world should work, sort of.
So lay it on me. 1) Who do you think I am? (what do you think of me?) 2) What should I change? 3) What should I keep?
Be as honest as you can allow yourself, and feel free to be anonymous. That would probably work best.
P.S. Does anyone remember my "newsletter" called Vasiliy's Vacillations? And by anyone, I just mean 1 of you. And I know the answer is yes. =p
But there's no such thing as an intrinsic identity. I am how I act, and how I act is based on my environment. Right?
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm not content with just being basically decent. It's kind of dull. There are plenty of basically decent people I'm not so fond of.
And yes, Reed wasn't the ideal place for picking up social skills. Being stressed out all the time probably doesn't help.
To clarify, Alex, I'm not asking people what kind of music I should listen to or if I should get a face tattoo. Rather I'm asking about my interactions with them. It seems reasonable to me that if people take issue with the way I interact with them, then I should make a note of it.
ReplyDeleteWell "basically decent" is the starting point. The absolute minimum necessarily qualification. Everything on top of that is whatever strikes your fancy. I agree that decent alone would be pretty dull.
ReplyDeleteIt's not unreasonable to want people to let you know if you're being a dick, though. But I'd hope my friends would let me know that without my asking. (Hmm...but now I'm slightly paranoid....)