New Name, New Design, Same Bitter Bullshit

FUCK! SHIT! FUCKSHIT, SHITFUCK. Also, may I point out that the ads on my page are about depression diagnosis and treatment? Good job, google. Too bad the ads themselves are extremely stupid. Anywhom...


Once upon a time, at Reed, I talked to the timeless Dell Rhodes about academia. She's been at it for decades, and as a master of the brain and all things academic (and one of the toughest professors I've ever had the pleasure of being destroyed and rebuilt by) Dell seemed like the right person to ask for advice. And she was, and is, for anything. Jiminy crickets, she's wonderful. Anyways, the story goes like this...

I described that I felt like I had an insecure attachment to academia (google it if you're not a psych person and care), and she laughed and said that was a good way to describe it, because she often felt the same way. This is irrelevant, but making Dell laugh was always the highlight of my day - and I still cherish every compliment she bestowed (this is why it's good to use compliments sparingly - they have more potency then... kind of like sperm?). I wondered how someone so accomplished, so committed and so generally fantastic was having the same issues that I was. But now, 6 years later I'm having the same issue. I missed academia when I was out of it, and now that I'm back in it I want to push it away and go back to work/unemployment/whatever. And I have a sweet gig. It doesn't get much better than running Howie's lab. I don't see how it possibly could as I have nearly complete control over everything, and Howie's undivided experimental attention to boot. But I guess that's what scares me? It's too much pressure? But there is no pressure, so what's the deal? Avoidant-ambivalent behavior, I guess? I wonder how many other people exhibit the insecure-attachment type behavior towards important and ever-present things in their life - like work and people.

____________________________________________
Maybe all I want is to live in a commune in Brooklyn.

The thing is, I don't just have an insecure attachment to academia. It's to everything. Today I saw over 200 undergrad RAs chant at the top of their lungs about being the best, about being a seawolf, about putting the "h" in "hot". And it irked me. It irked me so bad. A couple of other grad students and myself exchanged a few jokes and glances of the "ugh, school spirit, yeah.." variety. And to be fair I do think that whole thing is stupid. But still, I'm the asshole. It's pretty incredible (if real) that these kids can get excited about a fucking guy in a wolf costume ("Wolfie" is our mascot). If I'm really such a nihilist, then getting excited over nothing is the only kind of getting exicted that there is... (i.e., if nothing is important, then everything is equally worthwhile). No, I don't think what they did matters, but it's great that they enjoyed it, right? I don't know why I have to be a bitter hateful jerk about everything (I didn't behave in such a way, of course, everyone is way too fucking nice and friendly for me to be anything but at least mildly pleasant in return). They are the healthy ones. They can enjoy (unless they're faking, which is sort of what I'm constantly asking myself) what they do even when they do the most inane shit. I rarely enjoy anything I do as I do it. Later I look back longingly and think "that would have been fun". I push it away when it's available, and I miss it when it's gone. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It's like I designed a foolproof method to misery.
I mean.. I'm working on it. Mindfulness meditation helped for a bit. I was a different person in May. I was happy and I was happy to see other people happy. Now I see these ridiculously attractive, outgoing, capable, and fucking friendly (makes me feel like an asshole for hatin' on them) undergrads and I'm just like "this is wrong." It's not that I feel inadequate, either. At least I don't think so. I mean, in some way they remind me of high school because of how normal and well groomed they are (I haven't been around that since I started Reed), but they're really nice to me, so it's a pretty clear distinction between them and the assholes from back in the day when the last pieces of a positive self-image were meticulously annihilated.
And I don't really think it's jealousy here either. I don't want to be back in their place, because as they tell me all these things they're gonna do with their life I'm like "right, yeah, I'm glad I'm not at that naive stage anymore". That, and some of them are still visibly insecure/anxious (visible to me, not sure if other people pick up on it) and that just hurts to see (I kind of just want to hug them and say "you're beautiful, now get the fuck over it - low self-esteem is a turn off"). So I guess a part of it might be the standard insecure attachment thing - I'm forced to be around them, and I "rebel" by making myself miserable hating every minute of it. Soon enough I will miss their ridiculously sunny disposition. Ugh, it's so unreasonable how they're straight out of a GAP ad. Maybe I just can't take people being nice to me. It's suspicious.

My view on the following has completely changed with a lot of new information/interactions (actually this update was just interrupted by him for almost 2 hours while he was writing about someone lending a key to a guest (which you're not supposed to do) and being rude about:

Which reminds me of a SUPER nice 19 year old kid from ..Nigeria? Not a fake nice. He actually does all the super nice things you'd expect (and he's super nice about it). It's ridiculous. I like to be the nice one, but he makes me look like the filthiest douchebag you've had the displeasure of douching with. Maybe it's because he's still young and I get more jaded and cynical every year, but it's kind of unbelievable. And today when I asked him how he's always so happy and peaceful (and he thanked me repeatedly for noting that, because that's his goal in life and he just wants to always be appreciative, and happy and nice and whatever), he said it was all about God. I could see that answer coming, and in some way, I even appreciated that he said he would pray for me, because while I'm the cool nihilist who thinks that's all bullshit, he really meant it. He is so fucking thoughtful. And while I expect a lot of people to shed their religious shackles as they become adults, I no longer have any interest in hastening the process. He believes in God, he is happy, he is doing positive things - let's leave it at that. We don't need more people in nihilist limbo.


I don't really know what this was about either. I think I just needed to process. I don't want to feel bitter, but why do I hate all this stuff so much? Is it me? Is it them? Is it me in relation to them? And why does the word inane come to mind so often? Isn't everything inane?