I'm back, baby!

The good ol' me is here again. And by good I mean terrible, and probably the real me. I'm back! Back to hating everything and almost everyone. Ah, as during the extended period of happiness I couldn't quite remember why I felt so angsty, now I can't understand how I was able to feel anything other than this - how I fooled myself into feeling good and perhaps even being happy. I guess it was temporary insanity. Maybe it will come back... I sort of want it to because it felt pretty good, but at the same time it seems like that was so ...inauthentic? After all my approach to happiness was fake it 'til you make it, and I guess it sort of worked for a couple of months, and then I remembered I was faking.

Ah, fuck, who am I kidding? I'll probably try faking again soon if I manage to get some sleep. I had such a nice evening until these stupid drunk bitches ruined it. No intentional sexism here, I am not using it as a gendered word. There were plenty of non-bitch females (and males) on the train, but these four were stupid bitches. Ugh, but they really seemed to open my eyes to the deception I have woven around myself. The whole thing was a pretty good metaphor for how I'm eternally fucked.

I liked to say "don't mistake my kindness for weakness", but my kindness was a fucking weakness. The kindest people I know are also the ones with the lowest self-worth. I really need to fucking get over it and stop trying to compensate by being extra kind. People clearly suck and don't deserve my efforts ....any more than I deserve being treated with respect, I s'pose.

Oh fuck.

This is the first time in months that I felt like I really needed therapy. Maybe it'll get me fixed. Maybe I just need to stop fucking expecting anything good from the world. Maybe those douchebags in finance (and the villain from last season of dexter) are right - if you want something, you take it. Don't expect someone to care or even notice. If a cow could eat you, it would. Of course if you are physically attractive or have other assets you're probably fine, because then people will compete for your attention.

Ugh, I'm so fucking tired of being used - but why was I happier earlier? I can't quite recall if it was because I felt validated or I just didn't care that the world sucked. Huh, I think it was the latter. That's kind of fucked up. I gave up on the world, it made me feel better to resign to the fact that it's just a shitty place, over the weeks I felt better still because I wasn't having all these unmet expectations, so I sort of grew "happy" to the point where I started enjoying life and consequently raising my expectations about it - only to be reminded that "oh yeah, it sucks, don't get your hopes up." Vicious fucking cycle.

Mourning, coming to terms, healing...

We have quite a bit experience with mourning loss of others - whether through a tragic event or a more quotidian "falling out." There are stages of grief and mourning - we've basically got it down to a formula. It's hard, really hard, but "life goes on" or something.

Are people as experienced with mourning themselves? What they used to be? What they thought they could be but realize they can never reach? When it's in your head, rather than external to your person, how do you come to terms with it? Do we ever get good at that? How do we heal the wounds we gave ourselves?

If I didn't have a dysmorphic body, I would think I had body dysmorphic disorder..... but I guess in this case it's "order" instead.

Hooray, I'm possibly on my way to becoming a whole person

I am literally on top of the world right now. Not exaggerating. I am not at all inside it (if we consider the earth, not including the atmosphere around it, to be the world), but on top of it, on the surface, actually 3 stories about the surface (and on a hill!). Take that, people living in the basement.

I haven't felt this great in a while. I am happy even though I am not deluding myself into thinking this feeling will last. It's cool if I feel less great later, as I am now reminded that of the possibilities... I'd call it a high, but the great thing about my current state is that it is not drug induced (though wine may have had a slight influence... but that was hours ago).

Thanks Cranna and others, I may finally be moving forward to whole personhood. I've always wanted to be a worthwhile human being.

Maybe one...

Flargh! Life sucks and then you die! Nobody loves me! I wish I was never born! I'm always going to be alone!

Ugh, it all sounds so trite. Stupid emotions, failing at originality, producing only platitudes....no matter how true they are.

Still, I do feel like not much good has come from this blog. I thought it would make me feel less alone, but despite this opportunity to purge stupid thoughts, I still feel about as odd, misunderstood, unable to relate and connect as ever. There is only one thing that this blog produced, but if that friendship lasts I suppose that's more than one has any right to expect from a blog.

Blargh and fuck corporate restaurants.

P.S. Oh I remember what I was sort of going to write. I just watched the Social Network and seemed to relate to the autistic-like main character to a stupid extent. It also reminded me that I've done nothing with my life and I wish I was cool enough to be in stupid secret clubs and know influential people, but despite no longer working on a farm I am still very much a peasant. If achieving shit is being in the right place at the right time, then I'm screwed because I never go anywhere and I'm always late. Fuck okcupid, too.

New Dorp: the Borough Dork

You know it's bad when I have to start a post with a disclaimer such as this: dear friends, do not take this post too seriously (if you read it at all), as these are all just the afterthoughts of a mad man. I do not consider you commodities or means to an end, unless of course you're one of those extremely disagreeable people I still hang out with on occasion for entirely selfish and utilitarian purposes (but you're probably not one of those).

Ugh, I hate uninspired writing. I wouldn't do this, but my internet wasn't working when I felt more strongly about what I'm about to say, so I had to wait... and I told myself I'd vent here. So here it is:

Staten Island is the fat kid of the boroughs. That isn't to say it is large, because being the fat kid (emphasis on “the”) is not about size, it's about standing out for being different. If boroughs had to go to middle or high school, I'd feel really sorry for S.I. Even the MTA, the butt of most NYC jokes, gets to poke fun at Staten Island, just look at the stops along the metro line (the ONLY line): Tompkinsville, Dongan Hills, New Dorp (really, there's more than one DORP?!), Great Kills (wtf Staten Island?), Huguenot (nah, this one is fine) and finally Tottenville. I like that it starts with a ville and ends with a ville, a real farm boy of a borough (with the obligatory dorping and great killing that farm boys are known for).

But this isn't about Staten Island. I'm just picking on it because I had to distract myself with the MTA Map so as not to think horrible things that I think when I'm not distracting myself (and it just so happens I left my book in a building where I am not welcome). The baleful (inside reference) thoughts I had were about life and friendship and both and neither. I'm tired of having to diversify my portfolio. I know it makes sense to do so when you're investing in the stock market – you don't want to put all of your money into the tech industry because potential great rewards come with great risks. If you put all your savings (say $1,000) in apple when I started college you would have 30 times that now (i.e., $30,000). Of course, if you put into a company that went bankrupt you'd lose all your savings – which is pretty terrible. So, logically, you should have put a part of your money in apple (or some other company that appealed to you), a part in Halliburton or Wal-Mart or McDonald's (or another evil corporation, and yes part of diversifying your portfolio is investing in evil companies – it's a category just like tech or food or finances), and a part in whatever other crap will make you feel secure. The problem with this metaphor, of course, is that with finances it is better to have some level of confidence that your investment will grow by 10% rather than go blindly into a double-or-nothing situation (hyperbole, I am aware). I do not believe, however, that the same can be said of friendship. I am profanely tired of investing (and I apologize if this offends anyone, it is not meant to do so, though I understand how it may be the most vile thing you've read) myself into numerous “friendships” in hopes that one or two of them will grow into something real. I almost used the word “worthwhile”, but I avoided it because I do not want to insult people that I spent time with – I do not want to imply that spending time with you is not worth my while (indeed, my “while” is pretty worthless so hanging out with you is at least as good as anything else I'm likely to do) – I want to be clear about that. What I am saying, I guess, is that I am thoroughly frustrated by my social investments going belly up, and in part I believe I'd be better off if I went socially bankrupt – lost all of my stock, filed chapter 7 or 11i (for imaginary) or whatever, was cleared of all my friendship debt and started fresh. Yet, I am too clever or too stupid/afraid to have that happen. I make sure to befriend new people every so often to keep me company when another shallow friendship inevitably burns out and I have an opening in my social calendar (by the way, that sounds more pretentious than intended – my social calendar is wide open – maybe 3-4 brief engagements a week). Might it not be better if I invest myself completely into one or two relationships? After all, investing all your money in one company does not raise the chances of that company succeeding (unless you're investing billions), but investing all of yourself into something actually increases chances of success. Then again, this is not elementary school and the “best friend forever” scenario I'm painting is coming up more grotesque than I intended...and, actually, quite insane sounding. AH, the ramblings of a mad man.

Perhaps, it's all about my insecurity (justified, mind you). Perhaps I am just tired of being Plan B. Of being second best (if I'm lucky). Of not being good enough. Perhaps I can no longer handle loving more than being loved. And oh I know how pathetic this sounds, it's one of the reasons it's been so long since I posted anything. But I yam what I yam, and writing it out is better than trying to fall asleep with stupid thoughts rushing blood through my temples. Perhaps I'm a fool for thinking that I am “diversifying my portfolio” when in fact I am looking for some real, not finding, but deciding that something is better than nothing and thus trying to piece together something significant from a dozen not-so-significant interactions. Alas, that is an impossible task. Perhaps something is not better than nothing. Perhaps the order of betterness is such: the real thing > nothing > something that isn't the real thing (but you try to pretend it may be?). Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I am an immature child, am I not? I wouldn't even mind that so much, it's the not knowing that is so irksome.

it's true...alas or "fuck you, liver"

I am a sick man....  I am a spiteful man.  I am an unattractive man.  I believe my liver is diseased.  However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me.  I don't consult a doctor for it, and never have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely superstitious, sufficiently so to respect medicine, anyway (I am well-educated enough not to be superstitious, but I am superstitious).  No, I refuse to consult a doctor from spite.  That you probably will not understand.  Well, I understand it, though.  Of course, I can't explain who it is precisely that I am mortifying in this case by my spite: I am perfectly well aware that I cannot "pay out" the doctors by not consulting them; I know better than anyone that by all this I am only injuring myself and no one else.  But still, if I don't consult a doctor it is from spite. My liver is bad, well--let it get worse!

whoa, proofreading fail

I swear my posts look totally readable when I submit them... but reading back it makes little sense. Sorry.