It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world. Then my friend reminds me that there are almost 7 billion people on this lonely planet, and even though it's clear that I am pretty freaking lonely, it's statistically unlikely that I am the loneliest. Good point. Still, it's my pity party and I will cry if I want to, and oh how I want to.

I like my friends, the few real friends that I have (the 400 facebook friends don't count, because most of them don't remember who I am...although the "farcebook" is a good way to explore different sides of oneself, I guess).

At times I feel that I love my friends. And on a rare occasion I think that they love me too. But then I realize how structured and rehearsed our conversations really are... I say something that I expect they might find interest and they reply in kind (or vice versa). This seems obvious - you don't want to talk about something that isn't interesting to you, yet that simple fact makes our relationships with people that much more artificial. It's effectively self-censorship - I don't want to say something that I think will not receive a positive response, and instead I aim please, like a rat aims to please it's behavioral psychologist master. Press the levers to get the cheese, don't press the button that gives you the shock.

Maybe I'm eternally scarred from a complete absence of friends in middle and high school friends. Back then I still didn't know the English language or American culture, so being my friend was not rewarding. Also I was poor, so that was totally uncool. When I finally developed a somewhat desirable personality, I managed to find enough acquaintances to make me seem like a normal person.... like I had friend and I was like everyone else. But I wondered, do I look like a normal person because I'm that fucking good at creating illusions or because I actually am like other people?

Maybe it's just the fact that people often compliment me on being just like a normal person. Thanks, fuckers, I am pleased to hear that from your point of view I come off almost like I am normal. Either way, if I ever manage to stop being like a person and become an actual person, perhaps I could be happy. But maybe there is no such thing, maybe those compliments are sincerely stating "congratulations, your illusion is as real as anyone else's". But that's sad...

Don't misunderstand me. I do not want to lose my friends. Even if we never become closer, I still prefer their company to my own 9/10 times. But how much should I be concerned with maintaining friendships? I know relationships are supposed to take work, but does anyone else find that sad? Are they not best when they are organic, honest and spontaneous as opposed to planned to maximize gratification?

Perhaps I misunderstand what friends are for. Then let's consider life partners/spouses. If you believe in monogamy, then you must believe that they person is choose is almost uniquely qualified to be your partner for life. (If you disagree at this point, then it is not worth reading - I am working under the assumption that some people are better for you than others, and the whole "let's make it work by trying really really hard even though we secretly resent each other" approach is a terrible decision). So if you do believe in monogamy, then once someone cheats on you (or you cheat on someone) then you realize that this person does not have your best interest at heart and you split up.. right? Or do you try to work it out - compromise so that to minimize the unhappiness?

I tend to believe in monogamy of the sort where you can date/marry someone you like and when you start to diverge enough (because I think that people do change over time, and occasionally they change in opposing ways) it is okay to find someone else who you find happy. Life partner does not have to be life long partner, right? One of my acquaintances holds a completely different view. She wants to marry once and for all. She likes the fact that our parents's generations stuck it through despite all the misery. Even if you sleep in different beds in different rooms it is still good to be together. I respect that, in some way, because she wants that certainty in life that someone will be there for her, even if romance is dead. In fact, she says that romance typically dies before the wedding. If I understood her correctly, then the process is such:

meet someone attractive -> develop feelings for them -> get to know them better/fall in love -> determine if you could be there for each other 'til death parts you -> get engaged -> make sure you still feel like you can make a commitment even if the relationship isn't exciting any more -> get married. This is all supposed to happen in about the course of a year, 2 tops.

I don't agree with her on a conceptual level, but I do find something romantic in sticking with someone despite it not being romantic anymore. Besides, it's not like my approach has worked at all. I am basically an eternal bachelor until I either start lying to myself or to the person I would be dating.

If a potential employer uses this as a reason to deny me employment, know that you are not only a privacy-invading ass, but a stupid ass, because lonely people work much harder - they have nothing else going on.

20th post anniversary

Short Story

"Too bad," he sighed while scratching his ear, "no inspiration."

He was but a hollow shell, ready to spend his spring break wasting away until claimed by the underworld.

This is the end

The end of high prices (yes, simpsons reference).

Friday afternoon is a predictably good day. My lesson was fairly decent, the students were great, and after work I ate a bunch of pizza w/soda (and even some salad) for free. How could I not be happy?

Took a 20 minute nap on the train and it was still great. I am home now and STILL I am feeling good, and blasting music (much of which is happy). Yet I know there is an inevitable retreat of that feeling... that elation will slowly become deflation. I am fine with that, but I wonder if there is anything I should do now, that I feel like I can do pretty much anything (and I'm not even in an alcohol/drug induced altered state of mind). I guess I can enjoy it and dance. Then I can do my taxes.

But what about saying what you really feel WHILE you really feel? I never quite feel as much on most other days. So is now the time to call all of my friends and tell them that I love them or hate them or just think about them? Do I let it pass until I become a normal person?

Let's loop back to the pizza - I think it was in honor of a new employee, who is from San Diego, but lived in Portland for the past year (I really think that living/having lived in Portland is almost certain to get you a job at this place, as the hiring person loves it). It came out that I went to Reed and she said " Oooh you're a reedie? Every reedie I met was eccentric and awkward" ... and I felt inclined to ask "are you including me in that group?"

I wouldn't want her to think that after talking to me for 2 minutes, but I do want to be eccentric, any kind of centric, really.

I want to be ...memorable. Don't you?

also my co-workers are apparently pretty cool and did hardcore peace corps instead of peace corps lite and posh corps. I wonder if this joke is accessible to any other ex-corpians.

Alcohol and conversation

Do you find that conversations go a lot smoother when drinking (or already having drunk) ?

Now, I have already been informed that alcohol is a "social lubricant", but I would like to know more. How is it like KY Jelly?

1. (A)Is the conversation better because you are more relaxed? Does that mean you are usually tense or otherwise your inhibitions stifle the conversation potential? .... That sounds like you might want to explore that further.

(B) Is the conversation better because the other party is more relaxed, so it's not really your inebriation that makes the difference? Analogous conclusions can be drawn here.

2. Is it less about being relaxed and more about alcohol encouraging social interaction and interpersonal fun? So it does alter you in a way that makes you a better, more interesting person to be around? This certainly seems unlikely, especially if you can't hold your liquor.

3. Or is the obvious conclusion merely that your standards are lowered to such an extent (think beer goggles for conversation...beer earplugs?) that you just think you've had a great talk, when in reality it was as mundane and pointless as the rest of your life?

Not sure how I should have reacted

The work day ended well at 9PM when my professor ended the class 30-60 minutes early (it's a 7:30-10PM class that he usually dismisses at 9:30, but today was 30 minutes more special).

I ran to the subway station, missed the train by no more than 7 seconds, as the doors closed while I struggled to get the metrocard out of my pocket. I took advantage of this fact by going to the nadal 1 deli to pick up a delicious chicken philly cheese steak. So good.

Upon my return to the underground, I went through the turnstile and another person went after me, but I am pretty sure he didn't pay - somehow he just slid through it. I watched this with curiosity, wondering if I could do it as slickly as he. Noticing me, and perhaps thinking I was judging him, he let out an aggressive "what are you looking at?"

Not exactly afraid, as this was a public place and this stranger seemed to be around 15, I was nonetheless startled. In such cases, the easiest reaction is "nothing", which is what I said. If i did it over again I might have commented on his inventiveness (it looks more legit than the usual jumping over the turnstile) and that I was pondering implementing it myself. However, I wasn't sure if he was seriously upset so I decided not to confront him.

To my surprise, there was an even younger kid (I would guess no more than 12 - he looked small but sounded mature) who told the "aggressor" not to be a jerk, and walked over to me, shook my hand (in that cool way, not the boring business hand shake) and told me that guy was just kidding. I said "thanks"... and maybe an "it's ok", not because I was upset by the situation, in fact I was genuinely pleased that this occurred because it just reaffirms that New Yorkers are really nice people. So the kid apologized for the older kid, then another girl apologized for him, then as I was walking away towards a more strategic location on the platform (for the exit at my stop, not to distance myself from them) the "aggressor" chased me down and apologized. I was super amused and pleased. I couldn't tell if it was an offended look on my face, or if they thought I was going to cry, but basically at least three people took the effort to make me feel better and it felt great.

Turns out they got off at the same stop as I (coincidence? ..well, clearly, but it is a cool one), and it turns out (naturally) that they live a couple of blocks away and the younger kid's name is Michael and he goes to school in the area and he said "cool, I made a new friend". Unfortunately we didn't get into the subtleties of defining friendship, but it was just nice that my expectations [accumulated over my first year of teaching] that all young kids are a-holes are finally starting to break down.

The bad mood cometh

I hope it's not a regular 2-3 week cycle, that would be especially depressing.

I was just thinking of saying this is my last post, but then realized that was a rather obvious cry for attention (and a pointless one at that since no one reads this).

But I will read it again.. won't I? This plagiarized text seems relevant:

You once told me “A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”

Still, please take better care of it, everyone has to read it in the future, and the bits you’ve spilt grape juice over are completely indecipherable. All we know about -that- New Years Party is from eyewitness accounts of the event and the first and last words of the entry “You’d never believe…” and “…that’s how I ended up on the highway, with a bedside lamp and a breadbox full of money.

On a related note, is there anyone in NYC who wants to give me a hug? Don't force me to take rush hour trains just to get some accidental physical contact.

It's be a long February

Which is odd, considering it's the shortest month and all. Maybe that's why. You think it will be short, but then bam it's still 28 days long. And if anyone has ever had to survive a zombie virus, you know 28 days later is not soon enough.

Meanwhile my love is unrequited. No, it was unrequited, now it's just nonexistent. I'm too old for unrequitedness.

In subtly modified words of Mariah and Busta:

Baby iff you give it to me, I'll give it to you. I know what you want / As long as you want.

Oh and for unfortunate souls that have not encountered "iff" before, it means if and only if.