It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world. Then my friend reminds me that there are almost 7 billion people on this lonely planet, and even though it's clear that I am pretty freaking lonely, it's statistically unlikely that I am the loneliest. Good point. Still, it's my pity party and I will cry if I want to, and oh how I want to.

I like my friends, the few real friends that I have (the 400 facebook friends don't count, because most of them don't remember who I am...although the "farcebook" is a good way to explore different sides of oneself, I guess).

At times I feel that I love my friends. And on a rare occasion I think that they love me too. But then I realize how structured and rehearsed our conversations really are... I say something that I expect they might find interest and they reply in kind (or vice versa). This seems obvious - you don't want to talk about something that isn't interesting to you, yet that simple fact makes our relationships with people that much more artificial. It's effectively self-censorship - I don't want to say something that I think will not receive a positive response, and instead I aim please, like a rat aims to please it's behavioral psychologist master. Press the levers to get the cheese, don't press the button that gives you the shock.

Maybe I'm eternally scarred from a complete absence of friends in middle and high school friends. Back then I still didn't know the English language or American culture, so being my friend was not rewarding. Also I was poor, so that was totally uncool. When I finally developed a somewhat desirable personality, I managed to find enough acquaintances to make me seem like a normal person.... like I had friend and I was like everyone else. But I wondered, do I look like a normal person because I'm that fucking good at creating illusions or because I actually am like other people?

Maybe it's just the fact that people often compliment me on being just like a normal person. Thanks, fuckers, I am pleased to hear that from your point of view I come off almost like I am normal. Either way, if I ever manage to stop being like a person and become an actual person, perhaps I could be happy. But maybe there is no such thing, maybe those compliments are sincerely stating "congratulations, your illusion is as real as anyone else's". But that's sad...

Don't misunderstand me. I do not want to lose my friends. Even if we never become closer, I still prefer their company to my own 9/10 times. But how much should I be concerned with maintaining friendships? I know relationships are supposed to take work, but does anyone else find that sad? Are they not best when they are organic, honest and spontaneous as opposed to planned to maximize gratification?

Perhaps I misunderstand what friends are for. Then let's consider life partners/spouses. If you believe in monogamy, then you must believe that they person is choose is almost uniquely qualified to be your partner for life. (If you disagree at this point, then it is not worth reading - I am working under the assumption that some people are better for you than others, and the whole "let's make it work by trying really really hard even though we secretly resent each other" approach is a terrible decision). So if you do believe in monogamy, then once someone cheats on you (or you cheat on someone) then you realize that this person does not have your best interest at heart and you split up.. right? Or do you try to work it out - compromise so that to minimize the unhappiness?

I tend to believe in monogamy of the sort where you can date/marry someone you like and when you start to diverge enough (because I think that people do change over time, and occasionally they change in opposing ways) it is okay to find someone else who you find happy. Life partner does not have to be life long partner, right? One of my acquaintances holds a completely different view. She wants to marry once and for all. She likes the fact that our parents's generations stuck it through despite all the misery. Even if you sleep in different beds in different rooms it is still good to be together. I respect that, in some way, because she wants that certainty in life that someone will be there for her, even if romance is dead. In fact, she says that romance typically dies before the wedding. If I understood her correctly, then the process is such:

meet someone attractive -> develop feelings for them -> get to know them better/fall in love -> determine if you could be there for each other 'til death parts you -> get engaged -> make sure you still feel like you can make a commitment even if the relationship isn't exciting any more -> get married. This is all supposed to happen in about the course of a year, 2 tops.

I don't agree with her on a conceptual level, but I do find something romantic in sticking with someone despite it not being romantic anymore. Besides, it's not like my approach has worked at all. I am basically an eternal bachelor until I either start lying to myself or to the person I would be dating.

If a potential employer uses this as a reason to deny me employment, know that you are not only a privacy-invading ass, but a stupid ass, because lonely people work much harder - they have nothing else going on.