I want to find this song: Pass the hope around

it was a very slow Monday
I had failed at love again
failed to connect with this town
failed to make any friends

I was hoping for some energy
just to get myself out of bed
after three days of being there
looking for some synergy
a reason to try life again

I can't find it in a bottle
can't find it in a drawer
so pass a little hope around
even up the score

it was a very quiet weekend
I was in a crowd of ten thousand
we were marching for peace
marching for liberty
and me, I was just plain lonely

cause I can't find it in the bottle
can't find it in a drawer
so pass a little hope around
even up your score

I can't find it in a lover
but I'll try it all again
so pass on some forgiveness
you could end up with a friend
you could end up with a friend

I was descending into evening
on the phone your kids were laughing
I wondered what you looked like
wondered how your hands felt
I wondered about a funny life
I wondered what it would be like when we meet

so I can't find it in a bottle
can't find it in a drawer
so pass a little hope around
even up the score
I can't find it in the lover
but I'll try it all again
so pass on some forgiveness
you could end up

cause I can't find it in a bottle
can't find it in a drawer
so pass a little hope around
even up the score
I can't find it in a lover
but I'll try it all again
so pass on some forgiveness
you could end up with a friend
you could end up with a friend
cause everybody needs a little hope sometime

What if I wrote when I was happy

One of my friends once asked (possibly phrased as a suggestion) why I don't write when I'm happy. I gave a pretty confident reply that the two things were simply incompatible, citing Tolstoy's opening sentence from Anna Karenina. That is, it would be [even more] boring to read my posts if I was feeling great - what could I possibly have to say?

.. as I'm writing this in a coffee shop I'm becoming increasingly irritated by fellow patrons and their flashy flashes. Fools!

..Ok. I am still somewhat happy, well, at least not unhappy. Not yet. Though this music is loud beyond necessity, also stupid.

Tra la la la.Happy happy. Ok, well to be fair, I don't have anything specific to be happy about. The possible date I was excited about tomorrow seems less and less likely. Some people cancel. Others don't even respond. But for some reason I am not down about that. Maybe it's the caffeine. Maybe it's the sugar. Maybe it's that I do have a few really great friends, and a family that I love (despite our shortcomings), and a fuckin' sweet place to live. And I sort of have a future, I guess (if I live that long), that is rather reassuring.

Maybe I'm happy-[ish] because I take myself less seriously now. For example, some guy just told me that I look like the actor from "Yes, Dear" - that is not a compliment, and I told him as much, but in a friendly jokey way and we both had a good fake laugh about it. It was kind of an amusing little interaction. Basically I keep confronting the fact that many people don't see me as I would like to be perceived (and often they seem to develop great misconceptions), but it bothers me so much less now. I'm not sure if it's a self-esteem thing (i.e., now I'm less hard on myself) or a more general "life's not that big of a deal, quit being a control freak" kind of attitude, but I like the way I handle things now more than ever.

So yeah, maybe I am happy. Not always, not completely, maybe even not for long, but I like using that word to describe this moment.

In some way, I guess, I realized that I've been wrestling with "white people problems"... and they're not that serious.